5 years later... update

Hello everyone! I wanted to write an update to this blog because it has now been 5 years that I have been out of my marriage. So many wonderful things have happened, and I want to share them with you, so you can see that God is good and HOPE is real. First, I was able to file for divorce in September of 2010. Our divorce was final in March of 2011, one day before I won a lawsuit against a former employer for fraudulantly firing me. I was able to use that money to buy my own house in August of 2011, and I took foster parenting classes during that summer as well. I quit the pre-nursing program that I was in because I realized that it was my x-husband's idea, not mine, for me to be a nurse. My passion was and will always will be teaching. So I pursued a Master's degree in Education and graduated in June of 2012. I have done many things that I never  thought I'd do over the last five years. I taught elementary school for a year again; I became a social worker for a year and a half; I was a foster parent to two small children for 13 months; I was hired as a visiting professor at a local university for a year, and I became pregnant and have a wonderful 18 month old son now. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I would never have had him if I had not left my husband when I did. I am also now in a very loving, nurturing, respectful, amazing relationship with a wonderful man that I will be marrying someday. He has shown me what a real Christian man is and he is the second best thing that has ever happened to me. I didn't believe true love existed for me, but it does. It can happen for you too! I am also in the process of pursuing my doctorate in education, which has always been my ultimate goal. I am so grateful to God for getting me out of that marriage and showing me what life is really about. I chose to live!! God bless you and know that there is a better life out there, you just have to take the first step to get out of the abuse.

It has been a month since I wrote

Wow, time sure flies. I just finished reading all of the posts that I put in this blog over the last 8 months. Of course it made me cry with some of the memories, however I didn't even write half of the stuff he said and did to me. It really was a defense mechanism that I had mental blocks about stuff. There was soo much more that he said and did that I never wrote about. It is probably a good thing that I didn't write all of it, but I remember more now than I did when I was going through it. Anyway, things are good in my life. I am on vacation in California right now and spent yesterday at Laguna Beach. I am visiting my best friend and her family that I haven't seen in over 4 years, and I am so happy. I feel good and free! I do not yet have the money to file for divorce, but am hoping to do so by the end of September. I have not missed him one single day since I have left and I have never regretted my decision. The pastor of the church I used to go to is counseling Erik and emails me occasionally and seems surprised that I am going to file for divorce and not wait however many years it takes for Erik to be "better". That is why I had to separate myself from church for a while because I do believe I have very valid reasons for not continuing the marriage, but the church doesn't seem to agree with me. My theory is that if I ever went back to him some day, something would trigger him to treat me the same exact way he always has, or worse. I do not love him and have no desire to stay married to him. I am young enough still that I can hopefully find happiness possibly with someone else, or through becoming a foster parent or adoptive parent or something like that. I am still pursuing nursing, but not how he wanted me to. My plan is a little slower than his was, but I want to be able to live and not be overwhelmed by rushing through school.
I am so glad that I stayed strong and got out. It is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I will continue to reach my goals. I had to make a list of things I wanted to do because I was getting depressed because I was feeling useless and like I had no purpose anymore, after I left him, because I had nobody to take care of. It helped for me to write down things I want to do and so I have already started doing them and am looking forward to the future.

Update

I figured I should update what has been going on since I left. It has almost been a month and I am happier than I have ever been. I love going home now and being in peace with my cats. I am able to relax, I no longer grind my teeth when I sleep. The stress I have is very little and is just related to everyday things. I have gotten the order of protection permanent for a year, so I have no contact with him whatsoever. Apparently he is getting a bunch of counseling and admitted to everything he has done, but it is only because I left him. If he really cared about me he would have done it years ago. I found a lawyer, but have to save the money to pay her so I won't be filing for divorce until September. She is awesome though and I don't have to worry about that part of it. I am also taking a short vacation in August to see my family and friends out west and I can't wait!! It is odd to me how I can just walk away from a 14 year relationship and be completely detached and ready to move on. My counselor points out that I have been preparing for 6 months, so it wasn't like I just made an instant decision to leave the situation. I guess so. I don't miss him at all, but find myself worrying about him a little bit. Like today is his birthday and I wonder how he is handling being alone. He never has been and birthdays are difficult for him because he was adopted and he always gets emotional on his birthday. I guess it is a good thing that they took his guns away from him. That way I don't have to worry about him shooting himself. Other than the slight wondering and worrying, I do not regret anything and I certainly do not have any desire to ever go back to him. I am so glad that I got away and I will never put myself in that situation again.

I am out!!

I did it! I moved out last Monday when he was at work. Then I got an order of protection on Tuesday and he apparently knows it is his fault and has sought help. I will not go back though. There are too many things and too many bad memories for me to ever go back to him. Hopefully he will get help and then it will prevent someone from going through it in the future. If I have stopped the cycle, that would be great, but people like him don't change very easily. I am happy though and I am back at work so the normal routine has started back up. We'll see how things go.

5 days and counting

I have 5 days left!! I am so scared though. I am really hoping this whole thing goes as planned. I have slowly been taking stuff to my new place and it is almost clean. I can't even imagine going any time without asking for permission to do something, or worrying about what he might think about what I spent money on. I am hoping I lose some of the white hair that has grown in over the past 5 years. The anxiousness has started though and I am feeling guitly about lying to him and telling him yes when he asks me if I love him. I hate telling him that, but if I hesitate he gets all hurt and suicidal. I don't know what he will do without me, but I really don't care. He has been controlling almost every aspect of my life for 14 years, and it is time to end it. I am so tired of fighting and feeling like trash and stupid all the time. I will probably either have no energy left next week or I will have a ton. Good thing I took a week off of work. I will need to rest for sure.

Another night of hell

Last night was a hell night. He came home in a bad mood and criticized me from the moment he walked in the door, until we went to bed. He broke my spirit temporarily last night because of his threats and meanness, but I went to counseling today and I feel better. I only have a week left to endure this crap, so hopefully I can just get through it. I don't really feel like recounting everything, I am just glad that I am getting out. I did find a diary that I wrote in from 1998, and would you believe that I was having the same problems with him then, except not as extreme as now. I don't know why I have been so stupid all these years. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that he has always used the fact that he is supposed to be a Christian and we need to be Christians together. I am a Christian, even if I don't act like one sometimes, but I do not believe that God would want me to stay in a relationship like this one. I just wish I hadn't wasted 14 years of my life with this man. What a waste, but I am wiser now and I just pray I can get out of this safely and start over.

The emotions are horrible

So now that I have found a place to live and have it secured, of course I am having second thoughts. Truthfully I am scared to death of what he may do to me or himself. I wish I could just tell him that I am leaving and then go, but I know it isn't that easy. If I try that, who knows what he will do. I feel really guilty about just up and leaving one day, but I see no other way to do it. My plan is in place and I just have to keep plowing forward because otherwise I will be stuck in this the rest of my life and I can't do that. I have been so teary all day because he has been nice to me since Saturday, which was our anniversary. He knows I want a divorce and that I'm not happy, but then he keeps saying that I am the one who needs to change my emotions. Once I am out, I think I will feel a lot better, but right now it is hard to keep the act up without feeling guilty.