It has been a month since I wrote

Wow, time sure flies. I just finished reading all of the posts that I put in this blog over the last 8 months. Of course it made me cry with some of the memories, however I didn't even write half of the stuff he said and did to me. It really was a defense mechanism that I had mental blocks about stuff. There was soo much more that he said and did that I never wrote about. It is probably a good thing that I didn't write all of it, but I remember more now than I did when I was going through it. Anyway, things are good in my life. I am on vacation in California right now and spent yesterday at Laguna Beach. I am visiting my best friend and her family that I haven't seen in over 4 years, and I am so happy. I feel good and free! I do not yet have the money to file for divorce, but am hoping to do so by the end of September. I have not missed him one single day since I have left and I have never regretted my decision. The pastor of the church I used to go to is counseling Erik and emails me occasionally and seems surprised that I am going to file for divorce and not wait however many years it takes for Erik to be "better". That is why I had to separate myself from church for a while because I do believe I have very valid reasons for not continuing the marriage, but the church doesn't seem to agree with me. My theory is that if I ever went back to him some day, something would trigger him to treat me the same exact way he always has, or worse. I do not love him and have no desire to stay married to him. I am young enough still that I can hopefully find happiness possibly with someone else, or through becoming a foster parent or adoptive parent or something like that. I am still pursuing nursing, but not how he wanted me to. My plan is a little slower than his was, but I want to be able to live and not be overwhelmed by rushing through school.
I am so glad that I stayed strong and got out. It is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I will continue to reach my goals. I had to make a list of things I wanted to do because I was getting depressed because I was feeling useless and like I had no purpose anymore, after I left him, because I had nobody to take care of. It helped for me to write down things I want to do and so I have already started doing them and am looking forward to the future.

Update

I figured I should update what has been going on since I left. It has almost been a month and I am happier than I have ever been. I love going home now and being in peace with my cats. I am able to relax, I no longer grind my teeth when I sleep. The stress I have is very little and is just related to everyday things. I have gotten the order of protection permanent for a year, so I have no contact with him whatsoever. Apparently he is getting a bunch of counseling and admitted to everything he has done, but it is only because I left him. If he really cared about me he would have done it years ago. I found a lawyer, but have to save the money to pay her so I won't be filing for divorce until September. She is awesome though and I don't have to worry about that part of it. I am also taking a short vacation in August to see my family and friends out west and I can't wait!! It is odd to me how I can just walk away from a 14 year relationship and be completely detached and ready to move on. My counselor points out that I have been preparing for 6 months, so it wasn't like I just made an instant decision to leave the situation. I guess so. I don't miss him at all, but find myself worrying about him a little bit. Like today is his birthday and I wonder how he is handling being alone. He never has been and birthdays are difficult for him because he was adopted and he always gets emotional on his birthday. I guess it is a good thing that they took his guns away from him. That way I don't have to worry about him shooting himself. Other than the slight wondering and worrying, I do not regret anything and I certainly do not have any desire to ever go back to him. I am so glad that I got away and I will never put myself in that situation again.

I am out!!

I did it! I moved out last Monday when he was at work. Then I got an order of protection on Tuesday and he apparently knows it is his fault and has sought help. I will not go back though. There are too many things and too many bad memories for me to ever go back to him. Hopefully he will get help and then it will prevent someone from going through it in the future. If I have stopped the cycle, that would be great, but people like him don't change very easily. I am happy though and I am back at work so the normal routine has started back up. We'll see how things go.

5 days and counting

I have 5 days left!! I am so scared though. I am really hoping this whole thing goes as planned. I have slowly been taking stuff to my new place and it is almost clean. I can't even imagine going any time without asking for permission to do something, or worrying about what he might think about what I spent money on. I am hoping I lose some of the white hair that has grown in over the past 5 years. The anxiousness has started though and I am feeling guitly about lying to him and telling him yes when he asks me if I love him. I hate telling him that, but if I hesitate he gets all hurt and suicidal. I don't know what he will do without me, but I really don't care. He has been controlling almost every aspect of my life for 14 years, and it is time to end it. I am so tired of fighting and feeling like trash and stupid all the time. I will probably either have no energy left next week or I will have a ton. Good thing I took a week off of work. I will need to rest for sure.

Another night of hell

Last night was a hell night. He came home in a bad mood and criticized me from the moment he walked in the door, until we went to bed. He broke my spirit temporarily last night because of his threats and meanness, but I went to counseling today and I feel better. I only have a week left to endure this crap, so hopefully I can just get through it. I don't really feel like recounting everything, I am just glad that I am getting out. I did find a diary that I wrote in from 1998, and would you believe that I was having the same problems with him then, except not as extreme as now. I don't know why I have been so stupid all these years. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that he has always used the fact that he is supposed to be a Christian and we need to be Christians together. I am a Christian, even if I don't act like one sometimes, but I do not believe that God would want me to stay in a relationship like this one. I just wish I hadn't wasted 14 years of my life with this man. What a waste, but I am wiser now and I just pray I can get out of this safely and start over.

The emotions are horrible

So now that I have found a place to live and have it secured, of course I am having second thoughts. Truthfully I am scared to death of what he may do to me or himself. I wish I could just tell him that I am leaving and then go, but I know it isn't that easy. If I try that, who knows what he will do. I feel really guilty about just up and leaving one day, but I see no other way to do it. My plan is in place and I just have to keep plowing forward because otherwise I will be stuck in this the rest of my life and I can't do that. I have been so teary all day because he has been nice to me since Saturday, which was our anniversary. He knows I want a divorce and that I'm not happy, but then he keeps saying that I am the one who needs to change my emotions. Once I am out, I think I will feel a lot better, but right now it is hard to keep the act up without feeling guilty.

I found a place to live!

I finally found a place to live. It is secluded, but close enough to where I work so I can walk if I want to. I put a little money down on it this morning and my mom said she will lend me the deposit money I need for it so I have to go home and call her. It is quiet and has one other unit with it, so I am not totally alone. Which is the safest thing for right now. I am excited, but scared to death. It is really happening and I am so afraid of what he will do when I am out. I just pray that I will stay safe. I have to do this so I can live. Moving day is fast approaching, it will be a very good thing.

He asked about divorce

The other day, I came home early from work and he wanted me to help him with fixing his truck. I hate doing this because he is always horrible to me because I apparently don't help him the "right" way. So anyway, I was trying to help him and of course he got pissed and started calling me stupid and stuff, then he stopped and asked me if I wanted a divorce, and I told him yes. He then told me that he had the opportunity to cheat on me, but he didn't and that if he had, I would have deserved it because I had put us in debt. He then said that if I filed for divorce I would have to agree to pay him all the money he paid toward the debt, and money that he wasn't able to save in his retirement fund during the last year. I told him that the lawyer could decide that and he went irrate and said there would be no lawyers that I would have to agree to his terms no matter what. I don't think so. There will be a lawyer, or he would still try to control me through having me pay him for stuff that I should absolutely not pay for.
Later that evening, he went into his "We need to be Christians and work together as a team." speech. He thinks that if he gets rid of his porn addiction it will solve everything. In his mind, that is the problem with the whole marriage. He doesn't think that putting me down and grabbing my arm and putting bruises on it is the problem. (He did that right after yelling at me about the divorce thing). In his mind, he doesn't even think that all that stuff is wrong. He then told me he is going to try to change, but then he had a few temper tantrums yesterday and got pissed at me for stuff that shouldn't have been an issue and he acted like it was the end of the world. Then he tells me that I am not a "helpmate" because I am not being submissive enough to him and I have to stop my defiance now or he will "punch me in the face". Is he crazy, or am I? Insane!!!

I think he has a clue

I think that he actually realizes that something is up. This is a little graphic, but it pissed me off so much that I have to write about it. I try to have sex with him as little as possible because it makes me sick. But because I am still married to him, I let him have it every once in a while. Well, he has been bugging me over the last few days about it, and last night I finally gave into him. Our form of birth control for the last 14 years has been the pull-out method, and it has worked. He hardly ever does his thing inside of me, especially because he doesn't want a baby at this point. Well last night he did let go inside me and I was so pissed. (I am on the pill, but he doesn't know that). I asked him why he did that and then he asked me if I was planning on divorcing him. Of course I said no, because I only have a few weeks left and I don't need him to try to screw up stuff for me. He then kept accusing me of planning something and then after the fact, he thought it was funny and said, "well, maybe we made a baby". This showed me that he knows that I am up to something and he thinks if he gets me pregnant I won't leave him. What an absolute asshole. He is trying to control me. Luckily for me, I went on the pill back in January to avoid this very thing from happening. I just can't believe he actually did that without talking to me or thinking it might change things. He makes me so sick. I am still looking for a place to live, hopefully I will find one soon.

Not much to say

I don't have much to write about right now because I have been working so much, I haven't seen him. He did stay out until 2:30 AM last night drinking and he was out until 4:30 in the morning about a week ago. Funny what a double standard that is. It would be great if he were cheating on me. Unfortunately, I doubt that. I am just tired of doing all of the house work and yard work. He made me fill in a hole the dog dug under the deck and I had to lug the bucket a pile next door. I am having a very difficult time finding a place to live, and I had a slight panic attack yesterday because I was thinking of all the stuff I have to get done before I leave, and all the stuff he is demanding that I do. I am so tired of life right now. I need a vacation more than ever! I will when this is all done.

It's sad what you realize

You know, you would think that I would have realized this earlier in my relationship with him, but I didn't. I just realized on Monday that he has hardly ever said the words "I'm sorry" to me. He flipped out on Monday because he wasn't getting his questions answered from the unemployment office, regarding my claim, and so of course it was my fault. He was screaming and yelling at me and telling me that I won't make it as a nurse because I am too stupid, and so on. Then he proceeded to threaten to kick me, (which seems to be his preference). So about an hour later, he acted like nothing ever happened and wanted sex, which of course I was not going to give him. He never once apologized for his behavior earlier that day, and just said that he hasn't been himself since I lost my job. Then I thought about it and realized that when he does have his fits, he tends to tell me something along the lines of "what I did was not right, but you have to help me not react that way". He never, ever says "I'm sorry". You know why? Because he feels like he shouldn't be sorry because he thinks he is justified in how he treats me. I am a possession to him, not a person, so he tends to think that it doesn't matter how I feel or what affects me. It is only what affects him. He is mad about my job loss because it took money out of his pocket and in his mind, messed up his change of career plans. It has nothing to do with the injustice they did to me at all. He could care less about wether I am a teacher, he just wants me to make money. That is why he is pushing me to become a nurse anesthetist. He never considered once that I may not want to do that, but be a different kind of nurse. Then he uses his friends opinions to justify his own by telling me that they think it would be stupid for me to do anything else. I can't believe I have lived with such a selfish person for so long. Anyway, I am going to a support group for this right now, so hopefully I can write more on a different day.

He is driving me nuts!!

Today is my first day off after almost a month, and guess what, he also took the day off because he threw his back out on Saturday hitting softballs, and now is home too. He has already started yelling at me today about how I can't be a nurse because I am too inept and how I don't have any direction. He told me that I have put this "family" through enough misery and that I need to think of another career path because I don't have the wit and quick thinking it takes to be a nurse. When I screamed at him because I had had enough, he then told me to get out of his house, or pay rent. I told him that I will be getting out, so there's his hint. I am at the library right now because I had to get out of the house. He is nuts! He is stressing out about when I am going to take these nursing classes to get into an acclerated nursing program. I am already signed up for all of them, (even though I plan on dropping them once I leave and taking them a semester later). My chest hurts right now from all the stress he puts me through. I HATE HIM!!!!!!!! I came to a realization today. Since I have been married to him, I have been more disorganized with my house cleaning, my teaching jobs, and my other responsibilities because he expects me to do so much and cater to him all the time. My hair has turned white because of the stress over the last few years, and I just feel so out of control. When I don't see him and work all the time, then I do a lot better, but when he is home like this, I can't handle it.
You know, ironically enough, last night I was called off of work because I was supposed to waitress on the patio and it was raining. So I went in anyway because I wanted to pick up a shift, (he always makes me do that, so I just figured, plus I didn't want to spend the evening at home with him). Well, apparently he had called my waitress job an hour before I was supposed to be there to tell them to have me call him when I got there. He apparently did not want me to work because "I had already worked a lot over the weekend and I needed a break". According to him. So yeah, sounds like he cares, right? Well, he threw his back out on Saturday, and I had worked all day Sunday and during the day on Monday, so I hadn't been home. He said that on the phone that we needed to spend some time together. I knew there was an ulterior motive. When I got home, he had me go get pizza and wanted me to "take care of him" and rub his back because it hurt. He didn't care that I had worked all weekend. He just wanted me to help him. So yeah, he was real concerned. What a jerk. Anyway, I better head home so he doesn't think I am doing something I shouldn't be. I hope I can get out soon. Finding someplace to live is so hard.

getting down to the wire

Well, I have about a month and a half before I am planning on moving out. I decided to write the first draft of my goodbye letter to him today. It is ok, but I am going to have to add a lot to it I think. I have to find a place to live too, and that is hard around here right now. Last night he got mad at me for over-cooking the peas and then stomped on my foot and called me stupid and uneducated. He is such an asshole. I truly hate him and that is how he makes me feel. He then correlated the overcooked peas to the reason why I got fired from my job last year. I hate when he says stuff about my job and calls me a loser because it really makes me feel that way. I hope I can make it the next month. I just want to be happy.

Not much happening right now

I have been working so much that I haven't been home to see him or spend any time with him, which is a good thing. I almost feel guilty trying to plan on leaving him. My brain gets so screwed up sometimes. I know that if I don't leave though, I will not only be miserable, but I might end up literally dead someday. It is funny how when I am not around him to realize how bad it is that I start feeling guilty about it. I know it won't last long though. I am glad I am keeping this blog so that I remember what he does to me.

Loves me?

Forgive me if some of this stuff is out of order, I tried to scribble it down today so I wouldn't forget. I am going to my counselor, finally, tomorrow so I need to remember what has happened because it seems to affect me more now that I am aware of what he is doing and knowing that I am still in it. So incidents that have happened this week. Well, first of all, he has decided that not only do I need to work 3 jobs, but I also need to take care of cleaning the house, doing dishes, laundry, taking care of the animals, picking up dog poop, etc. But I am now also responsible for making sure the yard is clear of weeds, and I have to do ALL of the yard work, except mow the lawn. Lord forbid I touch his precious lawn mower. Not like I have nothing to do. I have not had a single day off from any job in almost 2 weeks, and I am scheduled all the way through next Thursday at different places! How the hell am I supposed to do all this stuff.

Anyway, so let me start with the abusive "incidents" this week. I don't remember what night it was, I think it may have been last Thursday, but anyway here goes his craziness. He wanted me to plug in his computer (yes, his computer. I am not allowed to touch it because he is afraid I'll break it or something). So anyway, I went to plug in his computer and had to jiggle the plug a little to get it into the socket, and he went nuts. He told me that I should be able to plug it in without jiggling it and then proceeded to make me take it out and plug it in again continuously. After about 5 times, I had had enough and stood up and told him I would not do it anymore. He told me I had better do it or I would be sorry, so I asked him, "What are you going to do to me if I don't?" Because he is always threatening and I truly had had enough and even though it sounds dumb, I almost wanted him to hit me so I could leave right then and there and put his ass in jail. He then looked at me with that look that says he wants to kill me and picked up his empty glass off the table, then he said "You really want to go there?" He acted like he was going to throw the glass at me, so instead of challenging him, I went back to the plug and he made me unplug it and plug it back it about 4 more times. What an asshole. How humilated do you think I felt? Being made to feel like I am some stupid slave that is being punished for not plugging something into the wall correctly?? REALLY??? I hate him. No joke. There's one incident.

So on Sunday morning, (Sundays are always our worst fight days, and I have yet to figure out why), we were up at 8:00 to fertilize the lawn. So we get outside and he wants me to help him and roll the hose up by myself onto the hose storage thing. It was really hard to do, so it wasn't done perfectly, and the hose was a little messed up. When he went to pull it out, it got stuck so he got pissed. I needed to get ready for work because I was supposed to be to work by 10:45 and it was already 9:40, and it takes 30 minutes to get there. I got the hose unstuck for him, but then he wanted me to help roll it back up. I told him I had to get in the shower, but he didn't want me to. So I went in the house anyway, and he followed me and grabbed my arm really hard and called me a fucking bitch and told me that he didn't care if I was late, I had to help him first. Also, right before this, he wanted me to pull the downspout off the house so he could fertilize and when I went to grab it, he had a fit because I wasn't grabbing it right. He then told me that I don't deserve a house as nice as ours and that I should live in a white trash trailer park because I don't keep up on the yard and make sure the dog doesn't dig under the deck. By the time I went to work, he had called me a fucking bitch at least 4 times.
Then, when I got home that night, he pretends like nothing ever happened and proceeds to ask me if I love him. He asks me all the time and I always lie because when I tell him no he doesn't hear me or gets hurt and then starts acting suicidal or something stupid like that. I don't love him, how can I. Then he tells me that he loves me as we are going to bed, or when we he calls me from work, or something. Loves me? He loves me? Since when does love include calling your wife a fucking bitch and grabbing her arm so hard that it bruises? When does love include treating her like a slave and expecting her to do everything because "you pay the bills and work on the cars"? That is what he says. Gotta go now, I'll write more tomorrow.

Busy, busy

I haven't written lately because I have been working a ton. I am literally gone from 7:30 AM until about 10 PM, or later every day. Things are ok this week because I haven't seen him much. Except on Sunday night when he wanted me to help him put up the new coffe table we bought. Which of course was an ordeal. He was getting pissed at me because I wasn't holding the side leg hard enough for him to get the screw in, so he kicked me and told me that was why I lost my teaching job was because I was incompetent. Then he tried to stab me in the leg with the screw driver when he thought I still wasn't holding it right. Then after all this stupid crap he starts telling me how I am fat and I need to get in shape and on and on and on, because I am weak. I tell you, I felt so defeated and so like I just wanted to crawl in a corner and die. When he does this stupid stuff, it justifies it for me and helps me understand that this is why I am trying to leave. I hate feeling so weak and vulnerable. I should never feel like I would be better off dead than alive, and that is how he makes me feel. I HATE FEELING THIS WAY!!! Plus, I have been working all week, like I said, and he tells me that I don't have a "real" job and that the yard looks like crap, and that the laundry is piling up. I haven't even been home, and then when I do get home he expects me to make him dinner or rub his back. I don't know how much longer I can stand it, I really don't. I may be trying to get out sooner rather than later.

I hate the cycles

The cycles of abuse drive me nuts. He is nice one minute, nasty the next. It's funny because when he is nice, he acts like he has never done anything wrong to me and seems like all is well and normal in our relationship. It is so hard for me to act "normal" around him anymore because I don't feel normal and nothing about this whole thing is normal. It is terrible that I just wait for the next blow up to come, because I know it will at some point. I am so tired of the stress, the waiting, being treated like a servant, the constant criticism and negativity, the lack of relationships I have with my sister and mom, and so many milllions of other things, I wish I could just leave tomorrow. But of course, it is not that easy. So much to plan and so much money that is needed to do so, and I have no $ at all. I am not allowed to spend anything without asking, and he usually says no to it anyway. Why do I have to be treated like a child all of the time? And why does he think that I want to be intimate with him after all the crap he has put me through for so long? I only do it because I am married and I feel that is my duty to keep him satisfied for now, which I know is the wrong way to think, but I do think this anyway. Why can't I just be happy? Why can't life be easier? Why do some women end up lucky enough to find the right man the first time? I knew he wasn't the right one the whole time we were dating, why did I agree to marry him? You know why, because I settled. I settled and now, 14 years later, I am so deep into this thing, that getting out is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done. My new motto is that I am going to be happy someday, or I will die trying.

Gotta write before I forget

Okay, so the "nice" streak is way over. I have been told many times since last Tuesday how I am too fat, a loser for not having a "real" job, and yelled at for locking the door incorrectly. Those are just a summary because I don't remember very many details. I would probably lose my mind if I let myself dwell on stuff he says to me. I also had my credit card taken away because I had to buy stuff to make guacomole for a BBQ on Easter Sunday. Then he tells me that I need to read the Bible and be a woman of God, and not talk back to him or make him angry. How crazy is he? What about him? How come he doesn't read the Bible? Don't I deserve a God-fearing man? Why was I permitted to go through with this whole marriage? I can't figure out if I am being punished for something or if God has just forgotten about me.

Justification

Yesterday confirmed for me why I am trying to get out of this marriage. He started the day by blaming me for the problems he was having with our tax people because I didn't take care of it for him. Then I was a "fat cow" and then last night I had closed the windows and put the blinds down, and he checked the blinds to make sure they were locked. Some of them weren't so I was treated like I was the stupidest person on Earth and then told that I am no longer allowed to touch the blinds and if I do it will show him that I "spite" him and disrespect him. He also told me before all of this that if he were a "beater" he would punch me in the face because I opened the basement windows for fresh air, but I opened them the "wrong way". Yeah... crazy.
After all of that stuff, he then suddenly felt bad and asked me if he was a bad husband, and if I loved him. I told him that I don't love him most of the time and that I was scared of him because he had threatened to kill me before. He said he didn't want me to be scared of him, so then he asked me what he could do to let me know he "disapproved" of something other than by intimidating me. I told him that I didn't know and that he needs to go to counseling because what he "disapproves" of is not normal anyway. He then turned the conversation back on me and somehow twisted stuff to show me that I make him react the way he does and if I didn't make him react that way he wouldn't be the way he is. I just sat there feeling defeated because no matter what he says about feeling bad and wanting to change, it always turns back to what it was because he feels everything is my fault and blames me for stuff that doesn't even make sense. This whole day gave me justification of getting help and getting out. I just wish it didn't take so much time.

Too fat

So the weekend was going peacefully and then yesterday afternoon, we were in the car, and I said that I was hungry. I had eaten a bagle that morning and it was around 2:00. The response that I got was, "Sometimes deprivation is part of losing weight. You promised me you would be down to 140 by now and you are no where near. You better be 129 by the end of June. You need to go to the gym and watch how real women work out." Then he somehow went from this to telling me that I don't bring any money into the house and that he can't pay all the bills himself, (which he doesn't). How I am just a sloth who lays around all day and hardly works at all. (By the way, I have 3 part time jobs and I receive unemployment when I don't make enough money during a week.) All of this because I was hungry? He makes no sense.

A "nice" week so far

I am so glad that I have sought counseling for this entire situation. He has been nice to me since Sunday, which is odd for him. Then when he does that, I start to second-guess myself if I am doing the right thing or not. Of course, I know that I am doing the right thing for me, but when he is nice I start to see why I fell for him to begin with. At least for me, I no longer am in love with him and I can say that with utmost certainty. I feel sorry for him, which I've been told is how he manipulates me. But I start to wonder what he will do when I am gone. Is he going to kill himself? I don't know, but I really think he is too scared to do that. He would be too afraid of what comes after death to kill himself. I am just waiting and holding my breath though because I know something will set him off in the next day or two. Believe me, you will hear about it when it does happen.

The last month

Okay, so now that I have given a very brief history, let me tell you what has been happening over the last month, a little into the last year. Last year, I had lost my career job, which was devasting to me. Just before that, my husband had found out about debt that I had acquired during our marriage that was massive. The reason I incurred the debt was because he has always, from day one, made me pay for EVERYTHING!! Even though he made twice the salary that I did. He always said he was saving so he could go to school to change his career someday. So in order to pay all the bills, I had to get credit accounts to keep up because I did not have the money for rent, groceries, utilities, gas, insurance, etc. When he found out about the debt, I thought for sure he was really going to kill me, but he didn't. He instead moved all the debt to his name and paid off the entire debt. Sounds like a nice guy, right? Well, remember the debt would be linked to him anyway because he is married to me, and he hates debt. So I can thank him for helping me pay it off, but I have endured much suffering in the process.
Anyway, so I am told all the time that I have caused him to treat me the way he does because of the debt. But he has always treated me this way. I am constantly told that I am fat and I need to lose weight. He believes women should be 130 at the most and I am 155. I wear a size 8 and I don't believe that I am fat, but that is what he tells me every day. In the last month, he has threatened to kill me twice, which is why I finally sought help. I really am terrified of him, and the last blow up he had I thought I was going to throw up because he scared me so bad. I have had enough.

Some history

I feel like I should give some history of my situation before I begin. I met my husband almost 14 years ago in college. He was in his last year and I was at the beginning of my sophmore year. Anyway, I was only 21 and just went googoo over him. Most of it was physical, and I think that that is how a lot of us think at that age. I never really remember ever "falling in love" with him. In fact, I am a believer that there is no such thing in my life as "true love", because the one time I ever experienced it, I was only 17 and it was one sided.
Anyway, once I met him, I spent every waking hour with him, but my mom hated him on her first impression. He was rude to her and didn't take the time to get to know her before I went away with him for the weekend. It was a quick introduction from the car window, but he was worried because we were already late. (I went away with him after only knowing him 1 week, a stupid decision).
So, to make a very long story a little shorter, he managed to offend my new dorm roommate as soon as she moved in, so she moved out. Then a friend of mine came to visit me from out of state, and he had to be with us the entire time and did not let me just hang out with her. She felt very offended and didn't even want to be there. These should all have been red flags to me, but I was so enamoured by him that I didn't see them.
I don't remember too much more from the college days, just that he was always with me. We did break up about a year into the relationship because he said something offensive to me in front of the kids I nannied for and I just left. Then, somehow, I got back with him. Over the next 8 years, yes 8, we broke up and got back together about 3 or 4 times. He dated other people during those times, as did I, but we always ended up back together. I really don't know why I did, but he was a huge manipulator.
Then we decided that we were going to get married about halfway through our 8th year of dating. I had always told my mom that I would never marry him because he was too controlling and so forth, but I did anyway. Go figure. So we did get married in 2005. I do have to admit that the week of our wedding was the best week I ever spent with him because he didn't berate me or tell me I was fat or anything. We were having way too much fun to fight during that time. Then the honeymoon hit and he was horrible again. We went on a cruise, and all he did the whole time was point out other women laying out that were hotter than I was, or he complained about the humidity, or he threw a fit about the fact that we parked in the expensive lot at the airport because we were late for our flight.
So now, 14 years later, here I am. Still married to him, but realizing after all this time that everything he has been saying to me is wrong and harmful, and I just need to get out.

Why I have decided to do this...

I have started this blog because I feel that I need to record things that are happening in my life, and I need to be able to sort out my feelings. Whether people actually read this blog or not, I don't know. But maybe there are some women out there that are like me and need to know that they are not alone. I don't know anyone as of yet who is going through what I am, but I am hoping to change that with time. If this blog helps even one person get help, then I will be happy. However, based on my past experiences with blogging, I am not sure anyone will ever read this. So I am doing this for me first and foremost. I will write a more detailed description of what has been happening to me tomorrow. I just wanted to get this started.