Justification

Yesterday confirmed for me why I am trying to get out of this marriage. He started the day by blaming me for the problems he was having with our tax people because I didn't take care of it for him. Then I was a "fat cow" and then last night I had closed the windows and put the blinds down, and he checked the blinds to make sure they were locked. Some of them weren't so I was treated like I was the stupidest person on Earth and then told that I am no longer allowed to touch the blinds and if I do it will show him that I "spite" him and disrespect him. He also told me before all of this that if he were a "beater" he would punch me in the face because I opened the basement windows for fresh air, but I opened them the "wrong way". Yeah... crazy.
After all of that stuff, he then suddenly felt bad and asked me if he was a bad husband, and if I loved him. I told him that I don't love him most of the time and that I was scared of him because he had threatened to kill me before. He said he didn't want me to be scared of him, so then he asked me what he could do to let me know he "disapproved" of something other than by intimidating me. I told him that I didn't know and that he needs to go to counseling because what he "disapproves" of is not normal anyway. He then turned the conversation back on me and somehow twisted stuff to show me that I make him react the way he does and if I didn't make him react that way he wouldn't be the way he is. I just sat there feeling defeated because no matter what he says about feeling bad and wanting to change, it always turns back to what it was because he feels everything is my fault and blames me for stuff that doesn't even make sense. This whole day gave me justification of getting help and getting out. I just wish it didn't take so much time.

Too fat

So the weekend was going peacefully and then yesterday afternoon, we were in the car, and I said that I was hungry. I had eaten a bagle that morning and it was around 2:00. The response that I got was, "Sometimes deprivation is part of losing weight. You promised me you would be down to 140 by now and you are no where near. You better be 129 by the end of June. You need to go to the gym and watch how real women work out." Then he somehow went from this to telling me that I don't bring any money into the house and that he can't pay all the bills himself, (which he doesn't). How I am just a sloth who lays around all day and hardly works at all. (By the way, I have 3 part time jobs and I receive unemployment when I don't make enough money during a week.) All of this because I was hungry? He makes no sense.

A "nice" week so far

I am so glad that I have sought counseling for this entire situation. He has been nice to me since Sunday, which is odd for him. Then when he does that, I start to second-guess myself if I am doing the right thing or not. Of course, I know that I am doing the right thing for me, but when he is nice I start to see why I fell for him to begin with. At least for me, I no longer am in love with him and I can say that with utmost certainty. I feel sorry for him, which I've been told is how he manipulates me. But I start to wonder what he will do when I am gone. Is he going to kill himself? I don't know, but I really think he is too scared to do that. He would be too afraid of what comes after death to kill himself. I am just waiting and holding my breath though because I know something will set him off in the next day or two. Believe me, you will hear about it when it does happen.

The last month

Okay, so now that I have given a very brief history, let me tell you what has been happening over the last month, a little into the last year. Last year, I had lost my career job, which was devasting to me. Just before that, my husband had found out about debt that I had acquired during our marriage that was massive. The reason I incurred the debt was because he has always, from day one, made me pay for EVERYTHING!! Even though he made twice the salary that I did. He always said he was saving so he could go to school to change his career someday. So in order to pay all the bills, I had to get credit accounts to keep up because I did not have the money for rent, groceries, utilities, gas, insurance, etc. When he found out about the debt, I thought for sure he was really going to kill me, but he didn't. He instead moved all the debt to his name and paid off the entire debt. Sounds like a nice guy, right? Well, remember the debt would be linked to him anyway because he is married to me, and he hates debt. So I can thank him for helping me pay it off, but I have endured much suffering in the process.
Anyway, so I am told all the time that I have caused him to treat me the way he does because of the debt. But he has always treated me this way. I am constantly told that I am fat and I need to lose weight. He believes women should be 130 at the most and I am 155. I wear a size 8 and I don't believe that I am fat, but that is what he tells me every day. In the last month, he has threatened to kill me twice, which is why I finally sought help. I really am terrified of him, and the last blow up he had I thought I was going to throw up because he scared me so bad. I have had enough.

Some history

I feel like I should give some history of my situation before I begin. I met my husband almost 14 years ago in college. He was in his last year and I was at the beginning of my sophmore year. Anyway, I was only 21 and just went googoo over him. Most of it was physical, and I think that that is how a lot of us think at that age. I never really remember ever "falling in love" with him. In fact, I am a believer that there is no such thing in my life as "true love", because the one time I ever experienced it, I was only 17 and it was one sided.
Anyway, once I met him, I spent every waking hour with him, but my mom hated him on her first impression. He was rude to her and didn't take the time to get to know her before I went away with him for the weekend. It was a quick introduction from the car window, but he was worried because we were already late. (I went away with him after only knowing him 1 week, a stupid decision).
So, to make a very long story a little shorter, he managed to offend my new dorm roommate as soon as she moved in, so she moved out. Then a friend of mine came to visit me from out of state, and he had to be with us the entire time and did not let me just hang out with her. She felt very offended and didn't even want to be there. These should all have been red flags to me, but I was so enamoured by him that I didn't see them.
I don't remember too much more from the college days, just that he was always with me. We did break up about a year into the relationship because he said something offensive to me in front of the kids I nannied for and I just left. Then, somehow, I got back with him. Over the next 8 years, yes 8, we broke up and got back together about 3 or 4 times. He dated other people during those times, as did I, but we always ended up back together. I really don't know why I did, but he was a huge manipulator.
Then we decided that we were going to get married about halfway through our 8th year of dating. I had always told my mom that I would never marry him because he was too controlling and so forth, but I did anyway. Go figure. So we did get married in 2005. I do have to admit that the week of our wedding was the best week I ever spent with him because he didn't berate me or tell me I was fat or anything. We were having way too much fun to fight during that time. Then the honeymoon hit and he was horrible again. We went on a cruise, and all he did the whole time was point out other women laying out that were hotter than I was, or he complained about the humidity, or he threw a fit about the fact that we parked in the expensive lot at the airport because we were late for our flight.
So now, 14 years later, here I am. Still married to him, but realizing after all this time that everything he has been saying to me is wrong and harmful, and I just need to get out.

Why I have decided to do this...

I have started this blog because I feel that I need to record things that are happening in my life, and I need to be able to sort out my feelings. Whether people actually read this blog or not, I don't know. But maybe there are some women out there that are like me and need to know that they are not alone. I don't know anyone as of yet who is going through what I am, but I am hoping to change that with time. If this blog helps even one person get help, then I will be happy. However, based on my past experiences with blogging, I am not sure anyone will ever read this. So I am doing this for me first and foremost. I will write a more detailed description of what has been happening to me tomorrow. I just wanted to get this started.