Not much happening right now

I have been working so much that I haven't been home to see him or spend any time with him, which is a good thing. I almost feel guilty trying to plan on leaving him. My brain gets so screwed up sometimes. I know that if I don't leave though, I will not only be miserable, but I might end up literally dead someday. It is funny how when I am not around him to realize how bad it is that I start feeling guilty about it. I know it won't last long though. I am glad I am keeping this blog so that I remember what he does to me.

Loves me?

Forgive me if some of this stuff is out of order, I tried to scribble it down today so I wouldn't forget. I am going to my counselor, finally, tomorrow so I need to remember what has happened because it seems to affect me more now that I am aware of what he is doing and knowing that I am still in it. So incidents that have happened this week. Well, first of all, he has decided that not only do I need to work 3 jobs, but I also need to take care of cleaning the house, doing dishes, laundry, taking care of the animals, picking up dog poop, etc. But I am now also responsible for making sure the yard is clear of weeds, and I have to do ALL of the yard work, except mow the lawn. Lord forbid I touch his precious lawn mower. Not like I have nothing to do. I have not had a single day off from any job in almost 2 weeks, and I am scheduled all the way through next Thursday at different places! How the hell am I supposed to do all this stuff.

Anyway, so let me start with the abusive "incidents" this week. I don't remember what night it was, I think it may have been last Thursday, but anyway here goes his craziness. He wanted me to plug in his computer (yes, his computer. I am not allowed to touch it because he is afraid I'll break it or something). So anyway, I went to plug in his computer and had to jiggle the plug a little to get it into the socket, and he went nuts. He told me that I should be able to plug it in without jiggling it and then proceeded to make me take it out and plug it in again continuously. After about 5 times, I had had enough and stood up and told him I would not do it anymore. He told me I had better do it or I would be sorry, so I asked him, "What are you going to do to me if I don't?" Because he is always threatening and I truly had had enough and even though it sounds dumb, I almost wanted him to hit me so I could leave right then and there and put his ass in jail. He then looked at me with that look that says he wants to kill me and picked up his empty glass off the table, then he said "You really want to go there?" He acted like he was going to throw the glass at me, so instead of challenging him, I went back to the plug and he made me unplug it and plug it back it about 4 more times. What an asshole. How humilated do you think I felt? Being made to feel like I am some stupid slave that is being punished for not plugging something into the wall correctly?? REALLY??? I hate him. No joke. There's one incident.

So on Sunday morning, (Sundays are always our worst fight days, and I have yet to figure out why), we were up at 8:00 to fertilize the lawn. So we get outside and he wants me to help him and roll the hose up by myself onto the hose storage thing. It was really hard to do, so it wasn't done perfectly, and the hose was a little messed up. When he went to pull it out, it got stuck so he got pissed. I needed to get ready for work because I was supposed to be to work by 10:45 and it was already 9:40, and it takes 30 minutes to get there. I got the hose unstuck for him, but then he wanted me to help roll it back up. I told him I had to get in the shower, but he didn't want me to. So I went in the house anyway, and he followed me and grabbed my arm really hard and called me a fucking bitch and told me that he didn't care if I was late, I had to help him first. Also, right before this, he wanted me to pull the downspout off the house so he could fertilize and when I went to grab it, he had a fit because I wasn't grabbing it right. He then told me that I don't deserve a house as nice as ours and that I should live in a white trash trailer park because I don't keep up on the yard and make sure the dog doesn't dig under the deck. By the time I went to work, he had called me a fucking bitch at least 4 times.
Then, when I got home that night, he pretends like nothing ever happened and proceeds to ask me if I love him. He asks me all the time and I always lie because when I tell him no he doesn't hear me or gets hurt and then starts acting suicidal or something stupid like that. I don't love him, how can I. Then he tells me that he loves me as we are going to bed, or when we he calls me from work, or something. Loves me? He loves me? Since when does love include calling your wife a fucking bitch and grabbing her arm so hard that it bruises? When does love include treating her like a slave and expecting her to do everything because "you pay the bills and work on the cars"? That is what he says. Gotta go now, I'll write more tomorrow.

Busy, busy

I haven't written lately because I have been working a ton. I am literally gone from 7:30 AM until about 10 PM, or later every day. Things are ok this week because I haven't seen him much. Except on Sunday night when he wanted me to help him put up the new coffe table we bought. Which of course was an ordeal. He was getting pissed at me because I wasn't holding the side leg hard enough for him to get the screw in, so he kicked me and told me that was why I lost my teaching job was because I was incompetent. Then he tried to stab me in the leg with the screw driver when he thought I still wasn't holding it right. Then after all this stupid crap he starts telling me how I am fat and I need to get in shape and on and on and on, because I am weak. I tell you, I felt so defeated and so like I just wanted to crawl in a corner and die. When he does this stupid stuff, it justifies it for me and helps me understand that this is why I am trying to leave. I hate feeling so weak and vulnerable. I should never feel like I would be better off dead than alive, and that is how he makes me feel. I HATE FEELING THIS WAY!!! Plus, I have been working all week, like I said, and he tells me that I don't have a "real" job and that the yard looks like crap, and that the laundry is piling up. I haven't even been home, and then when I do get home he expects me to make him dinner or rub his back. I don't know how much longer I can stand it, I really don't. I may be trying to get out sooner rather than later.

I hate the cycles

The cycles of abuse drive me nuts. He is nice one minute, nasty the next. It's funny because when he is nice, he acts like he has never done anything wrong to me and seems like all is well and normal in our relationship. It is so hard for me to act "normal" around him anymore because I don't feel normal and nothing about this whole thing is normal. It is terrible that I just wait for the next blow up to come, because I know it will at some point. I am so tired of the stress, the waiting, being treated like a servant, the constant criticism and negativity, the lack of relationships I have with my sister and mom, and so many milllions of other things, I wish I could just leave tomorrow. But of course, it is not that easy. So much to plan and so much money that is needed to do so, and I have no $ at all. I am not allowed to spend anything without asking, and he usually says no to it anyway. Why do I have to be treated like a child all of the time? And why does he think that I want to be intimate with him after all the crap he has put me through for so long? I only do it because I am married and I feel that is my duty to keep him satisfied for now, which I know is the wrong way to think, but I do think this anyway. Why can't I just be happy? Why can't life be easier? Why do some women end up lucky enough to find the right man the first time? I knew he wasn't the right one the whole time we were dating, why did I agree to marry him? You know why, because I settled. I settled and now, 14 years later, I am so deep into this thing, that getting out is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done. My new motto is that I am going to be happy someday, or I will die trying.

Gotta write before I forget

Okay, so the "nice" streak is way over. I have been told many times since last Tuesday how I am too fat, a loser for not having a "real" job, and yelled at for locking the door incorrectly. Those are just a summary because I don't remember very many details. I would probably lose my mind if I let myself dwell on stuff he says to me. I also had my credit card taken away because I had to buy stuff to make guacomole for a BBQ on Easter Sunday. Then he tells me that I need to read the Bible and be a woman of God, and not talk back to him or make him angry. How crazy is he? What about him? How come he doesn't read the Bible? Don't I deserve a God-fearing man? Why was I permitted to go through with this whole marriage? I can't figure out if I am being punished for something or if God has just forgotten about me.