Loves me?

Forgive me if some of this stuff is out of order, I tried to scribble it down today so I wouldn't forget. I am going to my counselor, finally, tomorrow so I need to remember what has happened because it seems to affect me more now that I am aware of what he is doing and knowing that I am still in it. So incidents that have happened this week. Well, first of all, he has decided that not only do I need to work 3 jobs, but I also need to take care of cleaning the house, doing dishes, laundry, taking care of the animals, picking up dog poop, etc. But I am now also responsible for making sure the yard is clear of weeds, and I have to do ALL of the yard work, except mow the lawn. Lord forbid I touch his precious lawn mower. Not like I have nothing to do. I have not had a single day off from any job in almost 2 weeks, and I am scheduled all the way through next Thursday at different places! How the hell am I supposed to do all this stuff.

Anyway, so let me start with the abusive "incidents" this week. I don't remember what night it was, I think it may have been last Thursday, but anyway here goes his craziness. He wanted me to plug in his computer (yes, his computer. I am not allowed to touch it because he is afraid I'll break it or something). So anyway, I went to plug in his computer and had to jiggle the plug a little to get it into the socket, and he went nuts. He told me that I should be able to plug it in without jiggling it and then proceeded to make me take it out and plug it in again continuously. After about 5 times, I had had enough and stood up and told him I would not do it anymore. He told me I had better do it or I would be sorry, so I asked him, "What are you going to do to me if I don't?" Because he is always threatening and I truly had had enough and even though it sounds dumb, I almost wanted him to hit me so I could leave right then and there and put his ass in jail. He then looked at me with that look that says he wants to kill me and picked up his empty glass off the table, then he said "You really want to go there?" He acted like he was going to throw the glass at me, so instead of challenging him, I went back to the plug and he made me unplug it and plug it back it about 4 more times. What an asshole. How humilated do you think I felt? Being made to feel like I am some stupid slave that is being punished for not plugging something into the wall correctly?? REALLY??? I hate him. No joke. There's one incident.

So on Sunday morning, (Sundays are always our worst fight days, and I have yet to figure out why), we were up at 8:00 to fertilize the lawn. So we get outside and he wants me to help him and roll the hose up by myself onto the hose storage thing. It was really hard to do, so it wasn't done perfectly, and the hose was a little messed up. When he went to pull it out, it got stuck so he got pissed. I needed to get ready for work because I was supposed to be to work by 10:45 and it was already 9:40, and it takes 30 minutes to get there. I got the hose unstuck for him, but then he wanted me to help roll it back up. I told him I had to get in the shower, but he didn't want me to. So I went in the house anyway, and he followed me and grabbed my arm really hard and called me a fucking bitch and told me that he didn't care if I was late, I had to help him first. Also, right before this, he wanted me to pull the downspout off the house so he could fertilize and when I went to grab it, he had a fit because I wasn't grabbing it right. He then told me that I don't deserve a house as nice as ours and that I should live in a white trash trailer park because I don't keep up on the yard and make sure the dog doesn't dig under the deck. By the time I went to work, he had called me a fucking bitch at least 4 times.
Then, when I got home that night, he pretends like nothing ever happened and proceeds to ask me if I love him. He asks me all the time and I always lie because when I tell him no he doesn't hear me or gets hurt and then starts acting suicidal or something stupid like that. I don't love him, how can I. Then he tells me that he loves me as we are going to bed, or when we he calls me from work, or something. Loves me? He loves me? Since when does love include calling your wife a fucking bitch and grabbing her arm so hard that it bruises? When does love include treating her like a slave and expecting her to do everything because "you pay the bills and work on the cars"? That is what he says. Gotta go now, I'll write more tomorrow.