Not much to say

I don't have much to write about right now because I have been working so much, I haven't seen him. He did stay out until 2:30 AM last night drinking and he was out until 4:30 in the morning about a week ago. Funny what a double standard that is. It would be great if he were cheating on me. Unfortunately, I doubt that. I am just tired of doing all of the house work and yard work. He made me fill in a hole the dog dug under the deck and I had to lug the bucket a pile next door. I am having a very difficult time finding a place to live, and I had a slight panic attack yesterday because I was thinking of all the stuff I have to get done before I leave, and all the stuff he is demanding that I do. I am so tired of life right now. I need a vacation more than ever! I will when this is all done.

It's sad what you realize

You know, you would think that I would have realized this earlier in my relationship with him, but I didn't. I just realized on Monday that he has hardly ever said the words "I'm sorry" to me. He flipped out on Monday because he wasn't getting his questions answered from the unemployment office, regarding my claim, and so of course it was my fault. He was screaming and yelling at me and telling me that I won't make it as a nurse because I am too stupid, and so on. Then he proceeded to threaten to kick me, (which seems to be his preference). So about an hour later, he acted like nothing ever happened and wanted sex, which of course I was not going to give him. He never once apologized for his behavior earlier that day, and just said that he hasn't been himself since I lost my job. Then I thought about it and realized that when he does have his fits, he tends to tell me something along the lines of "what I did was not right, but you have to help me not react that way". He never, ever says "I'm sorry". You know why? Because he feels like he shouldn't be sorry because he thinks he is justified in how he treats me. I am a possession to him, not a person, so he tends to think that it doesn't matter how I feel or what affects me. It is only what affects him. He is mad about my job loss because it took money out of his pocket and in his mind, messed up his change of career plans. It has nothing to do with the injustice they did to me at all. He could care less about wether I am a teacher, he just wants me to make money. That is why he is pushing me to become a nurse anesthetist. He never considered once that I may not want to do that, but be a different kind of nurse. Then he uses his friends opinions to justify his own by telling me that they think it would be stupid for me to do anything else. I can't believe I have lived with such a selfish person for so long. Anyway, I am going to a support group for this right now, so hopefully I can write more on a different day.

He is driving me nuts!!

Today is my first day off after almost a month, and guess what, he also took the day off because he threw his back out on Saturday hitting softballs, and now is home too. He has already started yelling at me today about how I can't be a nurse because I am too inept and how I don't have any direction. He told me that I have put this "family" through enough misery and that I need to think of another career path because I don't have the wit and quick thinking it takes to be a nurse. When I screamed at him because I had had enough, he then told me to get out of his house, or pay rent. I told him that I will be getting out, so there's his hint. I am at the library right now because I had to get out of the house. He is nuts! He is stressing out about when I am going to take these nursing classes to get into an acclerated nursing program. I am already signed up for all of them, (even though I plan on dropping them once I leave and taking them a semester later). My chest hurts right now from all the stress he puts me through. I HATE HIM!!!!!!!! I came to a realization today. Since I have been married to him, I have been more disorganized with my house cleaning, my teaching jobs, and my other responsibilities because he expects me to do so much and cater to him all the time. My hair has turned white because of the stress over the last few years, and I just feel so out of control. When I don't see him and work all the time, then I do a lot better, but when he is home like this, I can't handle it.
You know, ironically enough, last night I was called off of work because I was supposed to waitress on the patio and it was raining. So I went in anyway because I wanted to pick up a shift, (he always makes me do that, so I just figured, plus I didn't want to spend the evening at home with him). Well, apparently he had called my waitress job an hour before I was supposed to be there to tell them to have me call him when I got there. He apparently did not want me to work because "I had already worked a lot over the weekend and I needed a break". According to him. So yeah, sounds like he cares, right? Well, he threw his back out on Saturday, and I had worked all day Sunday and during the day on Monday, so I hadn't been home. He said that on the phone that we needed to spend some time together. I knew there was an ulterior motive. When I got home, he had me go get pizza and wanted me to "take care of him" and rub his back because it hurt. He didn't care that I had worked all weekend. He just wanted me to help him. So yeah, he was real concerned. What a jerk. Anyway, I better head home so he doesn't think I am doing something I shouldn't be. I hope I can get out soon. Finding someplace to live is so hard.

getting down to the wire

Well, I have about a month and a half before I am planning on moving out. I decided to write the first draft of my goodbye letter to him today. It is ok, but I am going to have to add a lot to it I think. I have to find a place to live too, and that is hard around here right now. Last night he got mad at me for over-cooking the peas and then stomped on my foot and called me stupid and uneducated. He is such an asshole. I truly hate him and that is how he makes me feel. He then correlated the overcooked peas to the reason why I got fired from my job last year. I hate when he says stuff about my job and calls me a loser because it really makes me feel that way. I hope I can make it the next month. I just want to be happy.