5 days and counting

I have 5 days left!! I am so scared though. I am really hoping this whole thing goes as planned. I have slowly been taking stuff to my new place and it is almost clean. I can't even imagine going any time without asking for permission to do something, or worrying about what he might think about what I spent money on. I am hoping I lose some of the white hair that has grown in over the past 5 years. The anxiousness has started though and I am feeling guitly about lying to him and telling him yes when he asks me if I love him. I hate telling him that, but if I hesitate he gets all hurt and suicidal. I don't know what he will do without me, but I really don't care. He has been controlling almost every aspect of my life for 14 years, and it is time to end it. I am so tired of fighting and feeling like trash and stupid all the time. I will probably either have no energy left next week or I will have a ton. Good thing I took a week off of work. I will need to rest for sure.

Another night of hell

Last night was a hell night. He came home in a bad mood and criticized me from the moment he walked in the door, until we went to bed. He broke my spirit temporarily last night because of his threats and meanness, but I went to counseling today and I feel better. I only have a week left to endure this crap, so hopefully I can just get through it. I don't really feel like recounting everything, I am just glad that I am getting out. I did find a diary that I wrote in from 1998, and would you believe that I was having the same problems with him then, except not as extreme as now. I don't know why I have been so stupid all these years. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that he has always used the fact that he is supposed to be a Christian and we need to be Christians together. I am a Christian, even if I don't act like one sometimes, but I do not believe that God would want me to stay in a relationship like this one. I just wish I hadn't wasted 14 years of my life with this man. What a waste, but I am wiser now and I just pray I can get out of this safely and start over.

The emotions are horrible

So now that I have found a place to live and have it secured, of course I am having second thoughts. Truthfully I am scared to death of what he may do to me or himself. I wish I could just tell him that I am leaving and then go, but I know it isn't that easy. If I try that, who knows what he will do. I feel really guilty about just up and leaving one day, but I see no other way to do it. My plan is in place and I just have to keep plowing forward because otherwise I will be stuck in this the rest of my life and I can't do that. I have been so teary all day because he has been nice to me since Saturday, which was our anniversary. He knows I want a divorce and that I'm not happy, but then he keeps saying that I am the one who needs to change my emotions. Once I am out, I think I will feel a lot better, but right now it is hard to keep the act up without feeling guilty.

I found a place to live!

I finally found a place to live. It is secluded, but close enough to where I work so I can walk if I want to. I put a little money down on it this morning and my mom said she will lend me the deposit money I need for it so I have to go home and call her. It is quiet and has one other unit with it, so I am not totally alone. Which is the safest thing for right now. I am excited, but scared to death. It is really happening and I am so afraid of what he will do when I am out. I just pray that I will stay safe. I have to do this so I can live. Moving day is fast approaching, it will be a very good thing.

He asked about divorce

The other day, I came home early from work and he wanted me to help him with fixing his truck. I hate doing this because he is always horrible to me because I apparently don't help him the "right" way. So anyway, I was trying to help him and of course he got pissed and started calling me stupid and stuff, then he stopped and asked me if I wanted a divorce, and I told him yes. He then told me that he had the opportunity to cheat on me, but he didn't and that if he had, I would have deserved it because I had put us in debt. He then said that if I filed for divorce I would have to agree to pay him all the money he paid toward the debt, and money that he wasn't able to save in his retirement fund during the last year. I told him that the lawyer could decide that and he went irrate and said there would be no lawyers that I would have to agree to his terms no matter what. I don't think so. There will be a lawyer, or he would still try to control me through having me pay him for stuff that I should absolutely not pay for.
Later that evening, he went into his "We need to be Christians and work together as a team." speech. He thinks that if he gets rid of his porn addiction it will solve everything. In his mind, that is the problem with the whole marriage. He doesn't think that putting me down and grabbing my arm and putting bruises on it is the problem. (He did that right after yelling at me about the divorce thing). In his mind, he doesn't even think that all that stuff is wrong. He then told me he is going to try to change, but then he had a few temper tantrums yesterday and got pissed at me for stuff that shouldn't have been an issue and he acted like it was the end of the world. Then he tells me that I am not a "helpmate" because I am not being submissive enough to him and I have to stop my defiance now or he will "punch me in the face". Is he crazy, or am I? Insane!!!

I think he has a clue

I think that he actually realizes that something is up. This is a little graphic, but it pissed me off so much that I have to write about it. I try to have sex with him as little as possible because it makes me sick. But because I am still married to him, I let him have it every once in a while. Well, he has been bugging me over the last few days about it, and last night I finally gave into him. Our form of birth control for the last 14 years has been the pull-out method, and it has worked. He hardly ever does his thing inside of me, especially because he doesn't want a baby at this point. Well last night he did let go inside me and I was so pissed. (I am on the pill, but he doesn't know that). I asked him why he did that and then he asked me if I was planning on divorcing him. Of course I said no, because I only have a few weeks left and I don't need him to try to screw up stuff for me. He then kept accusing me of planning something and then after the fact, he thought it was funny and said, "well, maybe we made a baby". This showed me that he knows that I am up to something and he thinks if he gets me pregnant I won't leave him. What an absolute asshole. He is trying to control me. Luckily for me, I went on the pill back in January to avoid this very thing from happening. I just can't believe he actually did that without talking to me or thinking it might change things. He makes me so sick. I am still looking for a place to live, hopefully I will find one soon.